When East "Met" West | Emma + John Engagement Session

Procrastination seems to be one of my “vices” throughout my adulthood (maybe childhood as well). Case in point - I had a revelation last night that if I sit on this shoot any longer, Emma and John will be married and publishing engagement photos afterwards might be, just a tad too late, and inappropriate...

This was my last photo shoot before I moved to California. It was a chaotic period on my end - packing (a LOT of useless stuff accumulated from the past years), buying a car during the pandemic, finding an apartment in Cali remotely, going through a surgery, etc etc. - basically problem solving mode every single day. Right in the middle of all these mundane “to-do’s”, Emma reached out and asked if I could take her engagement photos before I left. Of course I would love to, but I was not extremely confident about my ability to quickly switch from my “problem solving mode” to that “creative mode”. So, I gave her a firm “Yes”, but promised her no offense taken if she later decided to hire another photographer for a second engagement session - truthfully, no offense will ever be taken even if I were at the peak of my creative mode!

There is no shortage of magical places for engagement photos in New York, plus every couple has their own special places, from their little apartments to a corner bakery, all the way to the Central Park and Brooklyn Bridge - I was never worried. However, when Emma told me she actually wanted to go to The Met for this photo shoot, I did get a little anxious: Is it that she preferred having a thousand other people in the background (and foreground), for some reason? I couldn’t imagine asking the visitors to “excuse us” all the way through this photo shoot. Or… is it that she liked those Egyptian mummies so much that I gotta figure out a decent composition with them two AND the mummies in those glass coffins in very low lit settings? Either way - I did got a bit worried this time. 

Luckily, it was neither and my ignorance taught me a lesson - never say “No” too quickly as there is always more to it. Emma told me about this little secret Chinese garden court that I did not know at all! It is a bit tucked away but is her must-visit spot every time she goes to The Met. It’s cozy but calming (which is a hard-to-get quality in the center of New York), and makes her feel connected with her roots. Given the uncontrollable situation caused by Covid, this was her compromised solution to incorporating “something Chinese” while she was not able to go back to China before the wedding.  

Now, all makes sense and the rest is history - one little secret Chinese garden, two love birds, some kisses, a ton of fun, and just occasional “excuse-us”s.

Charleston Anniversary Trip

Brainstorming for anniversaries has become an increasingly challenging task, partly due to the pandemic and partly due to the diminishing level of creativity if you as a couple have been together for a while... Having had, let’s just say, multiple instances of divergent opinions on “what to expect on anniversaries (or birthdays, Valentine’s day, Christmas - you name it)”, Blowfish and I had a serious conversation a while ago to make sure we would (hopefully) be aligned in the future on that topic. I don’t recall exactly how that conversation went, but two key takeaways were here to stay: 1) we would celebrate it; and 2) experience-based celebration is preferred to gift-based celebration. 

Three weeks ago, it was our 10-year dating anniversary. Although I secretly question the seeming significance of the number 10 (or any multiples of 5 really) over 9 or 12, I don’t miss out on any celebration opportunities. After contemplating all the limited experience-based options available, we decided on a 4-day trip to Charleston, which had been on my wish list for a while. I am happy to report that Charleston did not disappoint, even according to Blowfish, who is critical about, things in general.

I don’t intend to structure this post as a travel guide as I am sure you can find all the information/recommendations you will need when planning a trip based on your own likes/dislikes. Instead, what I intend to share is our observations, experiences, and of course some photos and stories behind the photos. 

What I have come to realization after a long-term relationship is that to make a relationship work, being able to “tolerate” each other’s distinctive tastes is a key skill to have! When we can’t agree on something, rather than choosing his OVER mine, we gradually learned to “incorporate” his AND mine, assuming they are “incorporable” in some way. Sometimes it is a small hassle (e.g. having two giant bottles of orange juice in a small fridge – one with no pulp and one with lots of pulp), while sometimes it can be a happy surprise (e.g. why this Charleston trip was split in two parts as you will see below).

Day 1-2 – Middleton Place 

Middleton Place is a plantation about 15 miles northwest of Charleston and it is home to the oldest landscaped gardens in America. Beyond the blooming camellias and meticulously designed gardens, this place also carried rich stories of the Middleton family as well as the enslaved people there. While many travelers to Charleston pick it as a day trip destination, Blowfish (as an ex-landscape architect) was really vocal about spending two nights at the Inn at Middleton Place, as he declared he was “mesmerized by the contrasting modern design” and also that he surprisingly discovered it was the brainchild of his grad school professor. 

The courtyard at the Inn

I, though a layman in architecture, loved this place. The modern design was indeed a stark contrast to more than 200 years of history of the plantation, yet it blends in seamlessly. Inside the room at the Inn, the floor to ceiling windows with wood paneling is definitely something I dream of (in my 550 sqf apartment). The only “complaint” I had was the good-looking-but-by-no-means-comfy furniture. “It is an architect thing”, Blowfish explained to me.

While I thoroughly enjoyed myself and felt so relaxed at the Inn (which explained the lack of photos), I wondered how come this place never came on my radar during my research. Bit by bit, I figured out why. Wherever we went on the property, the age group we were in was about 30 years below that of the majority of the remaining visitors, although I have to say that discovery was quite consistent with Blowfish’s track record - he has always been drawn to places that were just “a tad ahead of his time”. Don’t get me wrong here though - I was not bothered by it. It was such a nice change of scene from the hustle and bustle of New York and the fact that our fellow travelers took their time to greet, smile and listen was something I missed dearly from my previous life in the south. 

However, after four meals from the one and only restaurant (since we did not rent a car), we both felt that it was probably time to move on to the second leg of the trip, downtown Charleston. 

Day 3-4 – Downtown Charleston

As you may have guessed it, the second (more light-hearted) leg was Blowfish’s compromise to me - charming little hotels, a variety of food, and tons of photogenic places. During our 2-day stay, our favorite thing to do was walking around the residential neighborhoods in the southern part of Charleston. I started out taking photos of every single beautiful southern-style house but gave up pretty quickly since at that speed, it would have been impossible for us to get anywhere. 

The veranda at the hotel

The night view of the hotel

For those photo bugs, Charleston is full of hidden and unhidden gems - the colorful pastel facades, the Rainbow Row, the little alleys, the oak trees. Recognizing that, I decided to be a bit “selfish” this time and have some photos taken for myself. After spotting a little alley, I asked Blowfish to snap a pic of me, without knowing this little request almost evolved into a breaking point of this trip…

I quickly got the camera settings ready, gave my instructions and ran to the spot. All he needed to do was to make sure I was in focus and then press the shutter. 

“Gorgeous!” Blowfish said in high spirit. 

I quickly ran back to the camera and noted a guy in the frame behind me in super sharp focus. “Honey, one more please? There is a dude behind me in the photo.” I requested and ran back to that spot. 

“Smile… Beautiful!” Having learned the lesson, Blowfish checked the camera and said, “No dude this time. Good to go.”

“Hmm…wait, no more dude but the tree behind me is in focus this time.” I protested, and ran back to the spot again… (Check out the photo below as evidence)

Portrait of me by Blowfish

Let me tell you - this “checking camera and running back to the spot because I was always blurry” thing went on for another four rounds, until I finally realized that I would leave Charleston without a decent photo while Blowfish declared he would never take any more photos since I was so hard to please… 

Portrait of Blowfish by me to make sure the camera was not “broken”

You can imagine the next awkward twenty minutes when an unhappy couple walked separately in this beautiful town, both wondering how 10 years flew by like this! Long story short, we reconciled eventually and still managed to come back to New York, as a couple.

Just in case you are still curious - we had another conversation after that awkward twenty minutes and came up with three (not two) key takeaways which are here to stay for the next decade: 1) we would celebrate key anniversaries; 2) experience-based celebration is still preferred to gift-based celebration; and 3) we would seriously consider hiring a local photographer next time. 

Lastly, to prove that we indeed reconciled, let me share one more photo that Blowfish took for me - just don’t zoom in. 

2019 - A Year of Healing | Mai + Yasser Engagement

I am quite late to the “year/decade review” party, as I don’t think 2019 was a particularly glorious year for me. However, when I’ve finally got a chance to give it more thoughts, I realized there was something personal and important, although not at all “glorious”, that I wanted to share with you. If I have to pick a word for my 2019, it will be “healing”. To me 2019 was a year of healing.  

Around this time last year, I had a full-on panic attack in the office. After a short meeting on a Monday afternoon, I started feeling…weird – for the lack of a better word, something I had never experienced before. My anxiety was shooting through the roof all of a sudden; I felt my “spirit” was floating outside of my body (I learned from my doctor later on this is called “depersonalization”); I walked back and forth in the hallway; my heart started racing; and I was breathing faster and faster to the point that I felt I might pass out at any minute. Although I was extremely embarrassed for acting so abnormal in a professional setting, I managed to drag myself to my manager’s office and said this: “Hey, I don’t know how to say this, but I think I am having a panic attack.”

I spent the next 30 minutes in his office. Surrounded by three colleagues trying to calm me down, I drank some water, sweated like crazy, (politely) rejected the idea of calling an ambulance (as I heard it was very expensive), and also (politely) declined the proposal of breathing into a brown paper bag to alleviate my hyperventilation (as I didn’t want to look any more ridiculous although I learned afterwards it could be helpful). After a while, I finally felt that my “spirit came back to my body” and was sent home.

I slept for 15 hours that night. I woke up the next day feeling exhausted and frightened. After a full day of flashbacks of my panic attack, at the end of that day, I was neither sure that it wouldn’t happen again nor confident that I knew how to deal with it if it happened again. Therefore, I decided to take a leave to figure out what was going on with me.

I did not know how long this leave would be, and it turned out to be 75 days. When I started my leave, I immediately went on a desperate search for psychiatrists and received a consistent diagnosis from all (four!) of them: Generalized Anxiety Disorder (“GAD”), with panic episodes. I was prescribed with medications and took them religiously as I thought those would work magic to make me feel normal again, soon. Well, while meds definitely helped stabilize my emotions, nothing was really “magic”. Per the suggestion from my doctor, I simultaneously worked with a therapist up to a point that I finally felt less frightened to go back to work in April.

While I can go on and on to bore you with all my frustrations, fears, and doubts I experienced during those 75 days, more importantly I am hoping to share a few thoughts on what to do if you encounter a similar incidence:

• It’s so easy to think you are the only one in this world suffering through this, but please believe you are not alone. You really aren’t.

• Start with a consultation session with a doctor/a few doctors to get a sense of what is going on and if you feel connected to the doctor.

• Be prepared for a long haul (as I am still seeing my psychiatrist regularly since this time last year).

• Take medications as directed but manage your expectation that there are no magic pills.

• Find a therapist if possible to figure out the root cause of your issue. I ended up seeing a therapist specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (“CBT”) and it helped me realize that some of my biggest fears were not caused by other people but my cognitive bias.

• Time could heal some wounds. Something that used to scare you may not be that way some time later. However hard it feels at that moment, it will be over.

Besides the professional help, another factor that I cannot emphasize enough is the support system. I was immensely fortunate to have all the resources to help me get back on track. My parents insisted on waiting until I woke up to Facetime me so that they could make sure I was doing alright (there was a 13-hour time difference). Blowfish accumulated quite some firsthand experience dealing with mental breakdowns, and he stuck through it. My friends who knew my situation checked in with me and encouraged me throughout those not-so-easy days, shared their own experiences dealing with mental struggles and recommended various resources. Among those friends, there was Mai.

Frankly, besides seeing doctors, the only thing that was actually on my to-do list during those days was an engagement photoshoot scheduled a long time ago with Mai and Yasser. While I was looking forward to it all along, as the shoot came closer, I also grew increasingly anxious as I wasn’t sure if they would still like to have me as their photographer, given my psychological condition then. I gave Mai a full disclosure and you know what, the only word I got from this lady was a firm “Yes”. Therefore, we had this 6am shoot at the iconic Brooklyn Bridge.

My stories in 2019 were not particularly fun, but I was not a tad less grateful for the overwhelming love, care and support I received. It was a year of healing, thinking and growing. I learned some lessons the hard way, but sometimes it is the hard way through which one could learn.

Mai and Yasser are off to a new chapter in Chicago soon. Although this blog is “just a few months” late, I guess it is never too late to reciprocate the love to the ones who loved you, and to pass that love forward.

2020, here I come.

一只小小鸟 | Izzy + Matt Wedding Day Preparation

刚刚，我在纽约的第一个室友，Izzy发来了脸书上的一个回忆截屏：7年前的今天，我们俩签下了在纽约的第一份租房合同，成为传说中的“纽约客”。不过有个不怎么会聊天的哥们儿那天告诉我，非官方说法是必须得在纽约居住7年才能算作“正式的纽约客”。好吧，那今天起，我和Izzy该算是“非官方”地成为了“正式的纽约客”了？

清楚的记得7年前找房的那些日子让我烦躁透顶。大中午的，房子没有着落却饥肠辘辘的我看着在什么”midtown”的人群压抑地喘不过气来。 我惶惶地看了看周围，躲进了唯一一家我认识名字的餐厅：肯德基。窗外的人群三三两两，春风得意。我坐在那个灯光昏暗，气味有点油腻的与曼哈顿似乎格格不入的世界里啃着鸡，心里暗自跟自己较劲，生气。

房子终于还是找到了：一个随机找到的broker带我们去看了一家完全对外开放看房的公寓楼，就这样抽了我们年租15%的佣金。青涩啊我的帆儿！

以前跟大学室友一起看了不少欲望都市，天真地以为到了纽约，就算成不了Carrie也没准能成Miranda，再不行还有Charlotte，只要别成Samantha我妈应该就还不会跟我拼了。7年过去，回头一看，呵，人啊，认识你自己！

7年，成不成为扭腰客当然不重要，midtown downtown也好像不再让我气短，肯德基依旧是guilty pleasure，至于Carrie什么的，就先算了。人长大了7岁，可能得学着跟这个世界，尤其是跟自己相处，和解。像赵叔唱的， 既然这个世界如此之小，我们无处可逃，不如拉着云先僧，奔着小事业，揣着点理想， 一步一个脚印儿地往前挪好了。

那么当初跟我一起青涩的Izzy呢？7年之后，她小妆化着，小白裙儿穿着，小曲儿哼着，姐们儿陪着，出！嫁！了！

最后说一句：有人听说我喜欢李宗盛，恶心我，说我净喜欢那长的“帅”的。其实她不知道，我最喜欢的是赵传，哎巴扎嘿！

I say Pumpkin, you say...?

I say Pumpkin, you say ... Halloween? This would be my answer if I never did this photoshoot. Now, all I can think of when you say "pumpkin" is... spiky hair! Check it out yourself: 

I did a very cosy family photoshoot for Avery (nickname: Little Pumpkin) between Mother's Day and Father's Day - totally appropriate. I got to know Avery's mom, Helena, a couple of years ago when we were working at the same company. One day I was desperately looking for an SD card for a company event and for SOME reason, Helena had one with her (who does that?) so responded to my mass group email and offered her card generously. A new friend was made like that. When I was editing Avery's photos, I couldn't help wondering if that kinda random beginning of our friendship foreshadowed that our roads would cross again some day, in a photo-related way? Hmm...maybe. Life sometimes has its own arrangements. 

Fast forward to the photoshoot. I couldn't ask for a more perfect baby model - super chilled, giggling a lot, with spiky hair and completely not caring about a stranger with a weird machine clicking like a thousand times. Avery's dad, Jimmy, told me that he and Helena proudly titled themselves "Slave" #1 and "Slave" #2 after Avery was born. Sometimes Slave #1 feeds the little princess, changes countless diapers, and comforts her when she gets grumpy while Slave #2 cleans up after she makes a mess and makes sure she laughs a lot when not being grumpy. The overlapping responsibilities - giving loads of love to this lucky girl.

I wasn't a fan of pumpkins for many years, but now, I am totally a fan of this one, the one with the spiky hair. 

To little Avery. 

When God takes away your apartment, he gives you ... | Izzy + Matt Engagement Session

To me, one of the most important steps in a photography session is brainstorming, because that's when I really get to know my subjects, observe them interact with each other, and understand how they would like to be portrayed in the photos. Therefore, a big advantage I get out of shooting my friends is that I usually have had a multiple-year-long “brainstorming session” by the time when the actual shoot comes up – like the case with Izzy and Matt. Different from meeting some amazingly interesting NEW friends and discovering the romance along the way, such as the session with Fiona and Edgar, this time I had the opportunity to do a “mental walkthrough” of my friendship with two old friends during the shoot, and get to share that memory afterwards with whoever is reading this blog now.

So… how did I meet Izzy? I think the friendship goes back to 8 years ago, when both of us were starting out our internship at the same company. After a long day of orientation, Izzy, who happened to be sitting next to me that day, mentioned that her car was broken and needed a ride home. As I would never imagine myself doing (again) - I offered her a ride, and she accepted it. To clarify, I am not saying that I am not a nice enough person to give people rides. What I am saying is - well to give you some context – one of my closest friends still wouldn’t let me drive her car today, and to be honest, I had actually just obtained my driver’s license 10 days before I started my internship. So, without knowing any of those key info, Izzy, my dear friend - thank you for the enormous trust. 

Fast forward a year, Izzy and I both decided to leave the beautiful Virginia and moved to New York for work. The second year after we both settled down in downtown, Hurricane Sandy hit. Izzy was evacuated from her apartment. What was the old saying again? When God takes away your apartment, he gives you a husband. Exactly – that’s how Matt got into the picture.

I love Izzy and Matt. Looking back at these past years, together we ate a lot, talked a lot, and most importantly, I learned a lot from both of them. For example, one of the life-changing tips that Izzy taught me when we were indulging ourselves in Shake Shack is that, you gotta mix black pepper in ketchup when eating French fries. It is delicious and I am not joking. As for Matt, the lesson is equally legit, which is that you gotta learn to control yourself a bit when showing affections of other people. What was this about? Well… a couple of summers ago when we were still neighbors, Matt and I happened to share the same morning run schedule along the Hudson river and I ran into him for 3 days straight. Every day during those 3 days, I somehow had this amazing ability to spot Matt from quite a distance, shouted his name excitingly (like “Maaaaatt”), ran to him and caught up for 5 minutes. After those 3 days, for some reason, I never saw Matt running again. And after that year, they moved to, Jersey.

Coming back to this engagement brainstorming session, Izzy and Matt told me they liked the idea of doing the shoot in their apartment and recording some everyday moments, which I am always a fan of. Personally, I also LOVE those madly romantic elopement sessions I have seen on Instagram and really want to try a few one day, in the mountains, by the seaside, in the desert etc. But in-home sessions, especially the homes in the New York area, “forced” me to be more creative in more confined space, to constantly look for interesting angles and to detect the extraordinary moments/emotions from the seemingly ordinary life. However, when I was just beginning to ask about the details on their apartment setup and the type of moments they would like me to capture, Izzy cut me off and said that they also wanted to do a few photos in this beautiful park in Jersey and continued to offer more details on the park. I listened on, but couldn’t resist the voice in my head – “Really? A beautiful park, in...JERSEY?” And the fact? Yes, a very beautiful park in Jersey.

Enough blah, let the photos talk a bit.

Each photography session is of course about making good photos and lasting memories. But meanwhile, to me, it is always a discovery process as well: the discovery of the outside world, like a new park, a new friendship, a new photo angle, as well as self-discovery, like the emotion I resonate with most, the quality of my friends that I cherish most, and the type of the relationship I would not trade for anything in this world. 2018, more discovery coming up – stay tuned.

Last but not least - congrats again to this lovely couple!!! 

Something Old, Something New | Jing + Joe Maternity Session

This shoot may be my least prepared session ever. To what extent? The mom-to-be didn’t even know I was going to take photos of her until the moment when I showed up and took out my camera. Well, I didn’t have a choice.

I was away from New York for two months this summer. Before I took off, for some reason Jing just didn’t think she looked pregnant enough for the photo shoot, although to me she definitely looked “super pregnant”. And then when I finally came back and checked in with her, she told me that she was almost due. So, what could I do? I paid her a visit right after, with my camera bag of course.

Understandably, as a 97% due mom-to-be, Jing had no interest in putting on makeup, no plan on changing various outfits, no spare energy to make the diaper-filled and baby proof apartment “picture-perfect”, and obviously was too heavy to move around and get some nice outdoor setting (I am actually not sure if "heavy" is accurate here, as in her own words, she felt like a "(hot) ballon" which could fly away any minute). 

Okay, I will see what I can do. 

At this point, it probably appears to you that I was not treating this client very “seriously”… That’s not incorrect by the common standard of seriousness. In fact, Jing has been one of my best friends since college. We took the same flight from China to the States, many many years ago, and we didn’t hate each other after that 15-hour flight, which was a good start I guess. On campus, I lived in Mary Munford #345 and she lived in #346, which was completely serendipity. We selected the classes independently but ended up having exactly the same schedule in the first semester. I understand that becoming besties requires some commonalities, not just serendipity, and we definitely had that. For example, we had similar sense of time and refused to wake up before 7:45 for the 8:00 Calculus class. Both of us appreciated the beauty of a “carefree” lifestyle and therefore remained to be the messy (but sort of clean) type. So that now whenever Blowfish, who is always driven crazy by my relatively casual housekeeping style, starts wondering how bad my dorm room was in college, my answer is always “It was better than Jing’s anyways”.

Meanwhile, we had differences: one was quite fashion-forward while the other had absolutely no sense of that; one could understand the classes without any difficulty while the other couldn’t really take decent notes in the first three months; one made friends and became known quite quickly while the other struggled quite a bit and remained “low-key” (not purposely of course) for a while… I am not gonna tell you which is which but if you know her (and/or me) and can’t tell, you have a problem. Luckily those “differences” didn’t set us apart. She was my private English tutor for all the things I felt too embarrassed to ask; she lent me the notes after class although I actually ended up getting better grades (ha!). She failed miserably to help me become “popular” in college but let me third-wheel her relationship for a few years, until one day, I finally realized that I really didn’t have to accept their “courtesy invite” to the dinner every Friday…

Sometimes I get really jealous when I hear people telling their crazy college time stories. I feel FOMO that I was almost “too normal” in college and never did anything that crossed the line, even just a bit. Now, I could actually think of one, with Jing of course, when we were both working as part-time shelvers at the school library. We two always signed up for the same shifts. I was usually the one shelving the newspapers and magazines while Jing was the one shelving the books back to a very old section of the library. One day, when I smuggled a gossip magazine for her during the shelving break, we both noticed that almost empty book cart, which could actually fit one person in… We looked at each other. After a second of hesitation, I jumped in. Then she started pushing the cart, faster and faster and faster, along the aisles in the dimly-lit library where people rarely visited (thank goodness)… And I think you’ve got that picture in your head. My only wish at this moment is our library supervisor then is not reading this blog.

As I have grown older, I have learned to appreciate and cherish more some “old stuff”: that pair of old flats which I keep wearing when I want to be a bit easier on myself; that old pen with which I know my thoughts will flow out like the rain in the summer; that old friend in front whom I will never be afraid of embarrassing myself.

On the weekends during college, Jing and I visited the most famous shopping mall in town at that time, called the Fashion Square, quite often. One day in the Foot Locker, we saw a pair of super cute tiny baby sneakers. We loved it so much that we promised each other: whoever has kids first in the future, will get that pair of shoes as a gift from the other. So guys - I gotta stop here. I have some new stuff to buy, for some dear old friend.

New York, New York | Fiona + Edgar Engagement Session

I have never been a crazily popular person in my life, and I don’t have a crazy amount of friends. However, what I can say for sure is that I have a few very good ones, including this guy from Puerto Rico whom I called “Fab”, as this is pretty much his name as well as the fact that I think he is truly “Fabulous” (the same way as I use the word “Fantastic” to explain my name when ordering take-outs on the phone). Something that I have learned with time is that fabulous people always introduce you to other fabulous people, such as this time, Edgar and Fiona.

Now after this session is over, I think I can be honest here on my blog: I was so fr**king nervous before this session! Fiona and Edgar would love to have their photos taken in Central Park and the Brooklyn Bridge, two of the most well-known icons of New York City. Don’t get me wrong - I love both places to death (esp. given that Blowfish is a landscape architect, I kinda have to…) However, as for an engagement shoot, what do I do with the people in the background? More importantly, just as I ask myself before every session: how do I get some photos that are very “Edgar & Fiona”, and “Edgar & Fiona” only? However, the reality proved that I worried too much, as this fabulous couple made it super easy for me.

Of course, at the beginning, there was this little “Man... this is awkward” moment, for all of us - even I felt weird at first when Blowfish and I did the self-portrait! So I used these moments for the standard yo-we-are-engaged-and-look-at-that-thing-on-my-left-hand poses. Once everybody got over this hump, the authentic “Edgar & Fiona” stuff started flowing out... and man, it never went back :P

Oh, did I also mention that Edgar basically gave me a free concert by humming Salsa music throughout the entire session? Although it appears that he thought he was only keeping it to himself. I am not sure if he used that tactic to ease his “photo anxiety” but that made me wanna dance almost immediately… You might wonder what I think is the most “Edgar & Fiona” moment of this photo shoot? Com’on, what beats it when a Puerto Rican grabs the hand of his love and starts dancing salsa in Central Park???

As we were walking out of the park at the end of this session, Edgar finally told me that they were moving to Seattle this fall and these photos would be the memory of their life together in this city. To Edgar and Fiona, Central Park and the Brooklyn Bridge are New York. Then I couldn’t help asking myself: after spending six years here, what does “New York” mean to me? What photos would I want to take, one day, that symbolize “my” New York?

Hmm… Maybe it is the Halal Cart downstairs that almost became my "cafeteria" when I first moved to New York; or maybe it is the countless subway encounters that were either amazingly lovely or unbelievably crazy. Maybe it is Cafe Lalo where Blowfish and I go grab our favorite Tres Leches cake at 1am… A friend visiting from Hong Kong last week told me that she still gets butterflies every time she is in New York. I didn't ask what her butterflies were like, but that made me think, for me, maybe it is not really the chicken over rice, the South-Ferry bound 1 train, or the 3-layer cake that make this city so special to us, but the people, the moments, the stories, and the emotions that we have already secretly captured in our hearts …

My friends, next time when we meet, tell me about your butterflies, will you?

To Six Years and Counting | Blowfish + Fan At Home Anniversary Session

Since I started dating Blowfish, I have never received flowers/chocolate/cards on Valentine’s day. I still remember clearly how he defined February 14th when I was getting so pumped to celebrate our first Valentine’s day together: the day between February 13th and 15th. As someone who likes celebrating every possible holiday, I almost broke up with him because of that.

Luckily, throughout these years I gradually understood that instead of out right rejecting a celebratory lifestyle, he is just not a big fan of more and more commercialized holidays, which I learned to respect. As a result, we agreed to celebrate the occasions which mean more to us specifically (aka the days that nobody else cares enough to jack up prices on restaurants etc.), like our dating anniversary – there is no such rule as married couple cannot celebrate dating anniversaries, right?

It was our sixth dating anniversary about two weeks ago. By “tradition”, Blowfish usually decides on a restaurant and I decide on some sort of activity we do together. So this year, he picked Union Square Café based on an article he read on a magazine, and what did I pick? A DIY at-home photography session. After a pretty long pause, of course he said, “Yes Dear”.

Blowfish had “a thing” with photos – he does not like being photographed and hates taking photos of others even more, the latter of which explains two things: 1) why I have an awkward snow angel Facebook profile picture throughout four seasons in the past three years already; and 2) why his previous relationship(s) became an ultimate challenge for him. You know what’s funny about life? He married a photographer, ha!

Doing self-portrait is a challenge, especially in such confined place. It involves quite some guesswork and trial-and-error. However, it pushed me to discover interesting perspectives, to be creative about composing the frame, and to capture moments out of the ordinary. Since I was more than appreciative already that Blowfish agreed to do this with (or for) me, I made sure this shoot was logistically well prepared, for him: treats (coffee, beer and snacks) to keep him well fed, jokes to keep him mentally relaxed, working in intervals to keep him physically energized, and some psychological tactics to keep him emotionally devoted. And, you know another funny thing about life? I ended up drinking all the beer, ate all the snacks, requested multiple breaks, while he sat there commenting, “This is actually kinda fun.” Marriage changes people.

Let the pictures talk for a bit.

Above – Blowfish was teaching me how to feel relaxed in front of the camera, which I was not very familiar with apparently.

Above – “Okay let’s see what’s up there… those pigeons had better not drop their crap into our mouths…”

Above – Blowfish showed me the article that inspired him to pick our dinner spot.

If I have to pick a word to describe my experience with Blowfish in the past six years, well, I think it would be “liberating”, just the way I feel a healthy relationship should be. I feel more liberated from my inner struggles with myself, from others’ opinions about me, and from my prejudice to others as well. I feel freer from breaking the curse of “what I should do” to pursue “what I want to do”: maybe I can cut my hair short, maybe it is okay I don’t feel that resonated with stocks and bonds, maybe it is not impossible for me to get six-pack as well, maybe learning a third language is not just a dream, maybe sharing my thoughts and photos through a website is not a bad idea, maybe putting down the camera for a bit when I don’t feel it makes sense, maybe “living a depressing life now” does not necessarily guarantee me “living a happy life in the future”.

At the end of the dinner, Blowfish asked me how I felt about hitting the sixth year landmark in our relationship. “Decent,” I responded. “Wanna do another six?” He asked. “Sure.” I said.

So cheers, to six years and counting.

“I (REALLY) don't care"

If I have to count the phrases that I have heard most since I moved to the States, “I don’t care” is high on the list. Well, there are a few synonyms, such as “I don’t give it a f*ck”, “I don’t give it a damn”, “I could care less” – you know what I mean.

Whoever says that sounds so badass – “I know you probably don’t like me… but I don’t care.” However, I could never take those words seriously because you can always say you don’t care, but in reality, how can you not? But lately I started realizing that there are REAL people in this world who actually REALLY mean it when they say it, and that puzzles me: how can you not care?

“Care-free”, “light-hearted” are the words my parents/teachers/friends/Blowfish never used on me, because I was totally the opposite: I became super concerned the second when my friends didn’t appear as happy as five minutes before; I was worried whenever I got a new haircut because I was afraid my classmates would not be “used to” my new look and would talk behind me; I hesitated whether I should tell my friends a story that I thought was pretty funny but waited until the time passed because there was a chance they might not like it. You name it.

My parents apparently noticed my struggle and kindly offered their advice early on: Fan, you should stop thinking too much.

Some of my close friends finally noticed my struggle too and offered their advice along the way: Fan, you should stop caring about what others think of you.

Great point guys, but how? To me this is just like telling a student who is falling asleep in class  – “You, over there, stay awake.” Tell me if that really works.

So I finally decided to give it a more serious thought myself. I think ultimately it comes down to understanding two aspects: 1) what is my ultimate fear when others don’t speak highly of me, and 2) if that fear is well supported.

2017, New York City

First of all, what is my fear? If someone comments that my new hairstyle is not that flattering, I think they are saying I have very bad taste and I feel embarrassed; if someone comments that a photo I just posted on Instagram is not artistic at all, I think they are saying that it is such a joke that I even strive to be a photographer; if my friend doesn’t laugh at my jokes, I think they are saying I am boring as hell. Essentially, I care about what others say about me or my work is because I believe THEIR view defines MY value: a funny story/sharp observation/perfect photo with a hundred “likes”/positive comment in general defines Fan as a valuable friend/co-worker/photographer/human being and then I can claim I am appreciated by this world. Applying the same logic, a lack of response to my storytelling/photo with only five “likes”/negative comment simply means Fan is valueless and thus not appreciated by this world. I am scared that I am perceived as valueless rather than valuable, and thus I care about what others say about me.

Makes sense overall, but only if you agree 100% that whatever measure I used above would reasonably define your value. For example, do you think you are a boring/valueless friend because your story last time was not that funny? And do your friends agree with that conclusion? Or do you think you are a valueless photographer because only twenty people “liked” your photo? And why do you think the other missing eighty people defined your lack of value, while the twenty people didn’t define the presence of your value?

If your honest answer is yes that you truly believe people’s view reasonably defines how much value you have, I want to share with you a secret weapon I treasured: I am pretty sure you forgot one person in selecting the panel of judges – yourself. Whenever I feel rejected by this world again nowadays, I usually start asking myself: Fan, what do YOU think? For example, I got a pair of pretty goofy glasses last year and wore them to work. One of my co-workers saw me and said “Holy sh*t those glasses are weird on you!” I did panic for five seconds honestly and almost rushed back home immediately to put on my contacts instead, then I paused and asked myself: do “I” like the goofy look? Absolutely. Another example, I sometimes post a photo on Instagram expecting one million likes (ballpark), but only got twelve and felt my dream of becoming a world-class photographer was hopelessly shattered. Feeling extremely embarrassed, I wanted to bury my head underground and close my account immediately. Then I asked myself: do “I” like that photo? Yes – so they are still active now. Similarly, if you tell your friends a funny story and people do not laugh to death - do YOU still think that’s a good story to share?

2016, #Blowfish Project

When I was younger I somehow thought I had this superpower (or a better word, fantasy) that if I tailor myself to others’ preferences a little bit, I can become more likable and will be happier. Then as I grow older, I realize that man, people are really hard to please – they like one thing today and a different thing tomorrow. I may post a photo that Blowfish speaks so highly of, but my mother comments like “Dear, what the hell is that? I cannot even see her face clearly!” I start wondering: since I don’t know how many people I can please this time and how many people I will piss of, and I absolutely have no control which side wins, why don’t I just please that one person who, for sure, will like it – which is myself?

If you are still reading at this point, I think I can start telling you how the hell this blog post relates to photography. Mostly it is not – as I mentioned in my bio, sometimes Blowfish cannot even take my overwhelming thoughts so I let it out here. But there is a little bit relevance still – I want to share with you what made me decide to finally start my own website. Objectively, it is no more than paying some money and uploading some photos. However, it means something more to me. I started taking photos many years ago, when I had a serious crush on a guy who was a hardcore amateur photographer and I wanted to create some common topics. (And you are right – that guy is not Blowfish.) But I rarely shared my photos with any friends or online because I was so scared that others would laugh at me and I would for sure be embarrassed to death. Starting from last year, for some reason I gained a bit courage in acknowledging some of my fears, including the fear that people would think I am totally worthless if they see my photos. Acknowledgement was actually the first step to help me realize that particular fear is not that big of a deal because at this moment, I care more about letting my thoughts out, and sharing a different angle of looking at this world with the people who are interested in it rather than proving to the world that I am the best photographer (although I don’t actually know what “the best photographer in the world” means yet). Plus, I actually like every single photo I posted on my website or Instagram myself although there is always room for improvement. What also helps is that as I know more people, I noticed that people are generally pretty busy caring about themselves first, so not that many people will actually care to laugh at me.

Yesterday I was organizing some old photos from a road trip to Arizona with Blowfish and my parents back in 2013. I found a photo of me and Blowfish posing in front of the Grand Canyon. I stared at that photo laughing non-stop for a good two minutes – man, what a happy chubby girl I was back then! Imagine me putting on 25 pounds and feeling totally proud and beautiful - if you are my friend, do not even think about getting this photo.

I showed it to Blowfish, who looked at it, paused for 20 seconds, and said “Gosh - I guess love is blind.” “No honey”, I said, “Love is not blind. Love made you see me through.”

2014, New York City

In the end, I don’t think Blowfish, my parents, my close friends, can individually define how valuable I am, although they weight much more than a random person from wherever. Because, ultimately, if I don’t see the value I possess by being myself, I will for sure project that conclusion onto every single one around me, and convince myself that the world simply doesn’t like me.

Life is too short to let that happen to you, my friends.

The Proposal in the Woods | Vira + Tony Engagement Session

Ahhh… I love proposals. Hear me out.

Just like a few gals/guys out there (no sexist forgiven here – who says guys cannot be proposed to??), a few years ago I watched tons of Youtube proposal videos, one linked to another, and another, and another, and couldn’t help fantasizing about myself in those videos. Bryant Park marching band? Flashmob proposal? A bit too much but fine, I will take it. However, since I missed that one chance in my life two years ago, I have shifted my hope towards friends who are getting close to that milestone in their relationship, wishing that one day I can, at least, participate in a proposal that is somewhat close, or closer, to the “fantasies” Youtube created for its audience like me. Finally the day came last summer.

I had been longing to go camping – chatting with friends by the campfire, sleeping in a tent, and counting stars (if any) in a sleepless night sound hopelessly romantic to me. So when Tony, a good friend of Blowfish’s, suggested a double date camping trip on the Memorial Day weekend last year, we did not hesitate to say yes. Two days before our trip, Tony unexpectedly called an in-person prep meeting. Strange huh? You bet, but all of a sudden I had the sense that it was more than a prep meeting for camping only. Maybe…. something BIG is happening?

This meeting took place in the lobby of Tony’s apartment building. Friends – never underestimate a lady’s sixth sense. This was absolutely not the kind of meeting where we talked about how many pots we should bring or how to combat a bear just in case, but one where Tony officially announced that he was going to propose to his girlfriend, Vira, during this upcoming trip and invited us to become his partners-in-crime.

Not that anybody cared, but – I said yes!

Tony obviously had thought through his plan 158 times – the timeline (nearly by minute), the props (including candles, spare candles, a MAP for candle arrangements to show “Marry Me?”, rose pedals, spare rose pedals, and a handmade notebook listing the 100 reasons why she should marry him), the excuse he would use to take Vira away so that we could set up the scene after dinner, and the code that he would need from us to signal everything was ready etc. While I was sitting there carefully “examining” his props (I mean the notebook really) for any potential typos, feeling overwhelmed by the excitement of the upcoming proposal, I have to tell you that I also couldn’t help thinking what Blowfish was doing two days before he proposed… No matter what it was though, I just don’t think he thought it through 158 times… Anyways, the meeting was dismissed after Tony felt Blowfish and I sort of got it. When I was skipping along behind Blowfish out of the building, Tony suddenly stopped me from behind.

“Fan!” Tony shouted.

“Yeah?” I responded from a distance.

“Please – can you try to look … somewhat normal before I propose?”

Man, people really have trust issues nowadays. “I promise, I will try.”

The trip finally came. I behaved myself by looking quite normal during the day. Everything went as planned, except that we didn’t get the Asian cooking ingredients we wanted on the way and it took us two hours to finally start the bon fire. The night fell earlier on the campsite, but as the night grew darker and darker, my anxiety level was shooting through the roof: when is Tony going to take Vira away for a walk? What if Vira feels tired and doesn’t want to take a walk? Or what if Vira insists me and Blowfish taking a walk with them? Should I say my feet hurt, or I have a stomachache? Right then, I heard Tony saying “Hey guys, we are going for a walk and will be back soon.” Then he gave us a look and disappeared in the darkness. Simple as that…

In the next 15 minutes, Blowfish and I arranged the candles on the picnic table according to Tony’s map, sprinkled the rose pedals, and positioned the notebook meticulously, sent out the signal, and hid ourselves behind a big tree (honestly given the darkness of the camp site, I doubt if anyone could see us as long as we didn’t stand ON the table with the candles lit).

Five minutes later, we heard Tony and Vira talking as they came back closer to the campsite. The moment of truth? Let my pictures tell you now…

Let me just say that things went well and as everybody cared - Vira said yes! I was moving back and forth, tiptoeing or crouching down, busy taking the pictures with probably way too much excitement, until Blowfish dragged me away so that I could leave them some personal space…

The next morning, after the newly engaged lovebirds finally found cellphone service out of the woods to change their relationship status on FB, I got a chance to ask Vira how she felt when she saw the words on the picnic table. “What words?” she asked. “Marry me?” We three answered in a little bit of shock. “Oh, I guess I am just too short to recognize it on the table haha! I thought you two were just having a romantic night while we were away.” Oops – lesson learned.

So my dear yet-to-be-engaged friends – now I officially declare that I am an experienced proposal assist AND a photographer – count me in whenever you are ready. 

Happy Valentine's Day!

My “Comfort Zone” in Street Photography

My confession: I didn’t know street photography was a pretty legit type of photography until earlier this year. I always thought it was called “I-have-to-shoot-this-because-I-have-nowhere-cool-to-go” photography. Apparently I was wrong.

Earlier this year, I signed up for the first street photography workshop in my life – Eric Kim’s Composition in Street Photography, which is one of the best decisions I have made in 2016. In this post, I would love to share a thought that has been occupying my mind lately.

Nine months after that workshop, I think, I was still “traumatized” from that experience. Here me out.

Eric has such a saying that in street photography, creepiness is proportional to focal length. So - get close. Every photographer defines his/her own style. For Eric, he likes taking candid photos without asking for permissions most of the time. However, for the people who know me well – that is a bit too bold. As part of the workshop, he dedicated about 45 minutes shooting with me and my partner exclusively while we talked down the 5th avenue in New York on a busy Saturday afternoon. During that 45 minutes, I still remember the moment when he “alerted me” with a blink - “Fan, right behind you - a VERY interesting couple - GO!” So I turned back and tried to get a shot within an arm’s length (assuming people would not punch me because Eric was right there with me and my shooting partner was a pretty big guy...) That couple shied away from me immediately so I didn’t get it. “That happens”, Eric said with a shrug and we moved on. I tried the same technique a couple of times on that weekend – some success some failure. But whenever recalling that experience shortly after the workshop, I felt rather uncomfortable, or even embarrassed because of the implied rejection.  I thought I would get over it pretty quickly, because just like a lot of motivational speakers taught me – I just need to push myself harder next time to get out of my comfort zone. Sure – I can do that.

No, I couldn’t.

I started realizing it has become a bigger issue lately because every time I tried to pick up my camera to do some street photos in the past several months, I heard a voice in my head - “Fan, get close to the subjects! Get out of that comfort zone!” Then immediately I felt the familiar dread. I told myself that if I feel comfortable when I am shooting in the street, I am not pushing myself hard enough and I am not becoming a better photographer. In other words, if I am not uncomfortable, I am not doing it right. In reality? When I am that uncomfortable, I simply stop doing it… And then, I asked myself: why did I take photos again? If I am so dreadfully uncomfortable that I stop doing it, what is the point of me getting out of that comfort zone anyways?

Finally, I realize that I may have taken those motivational speeches a bit too literally. People don’t get out of that comfort zone simply for the sake of getting themselves uncomfortable. When making that extra baby step out of my comfort zone truly brings me challenge, growth, and more fun that it justifies – I am all in. But when I go farther than I would like to and stop having fun – I step back closer to my zone. After all, having fun in photography and making photos that truly touch me emotionally is what matters ultimately, and that happens to be something I easily forget sometimes.

2016, New York

On the same Saturday afternoon, I “hid” myself from the overwhelming crowd on 5th avenue, in a quiet corner of Grand Central. I spotted a scene, took a deep breath, went up and asked politely if I could take a photo of him. I got the photo above.

 Eric loves it. More importantly, so do I. 

For Alice

My first photo project was dedicated to Alice, who is seven months old now.

Earlier this year, I did a maternity photo shoot with Alice’s parents, Jamie and Phil, about two months before her arrival to this world. Jamie told me that she wanted this because she needed to have some “evidence”, just in case one day Alice asked where she came from.

Sure Jamie…

Let’s fast-forward nine months. Jamie is an experienced mom now and Alice is growing fast. One night, after seeing Alice’s pictures on social media and realizing that Jamie may not need any further “evidence” until the next baby comes, I had this strong feeling that I did not want those maternity photos to be only “evidence” but also a documentary – to document how the expectations of parents-to-be turned into the pure joy of young parents, how magical life is, or simply how time flies.

Jamie and Phil were super supportive. They made sure that compared to nine months ago, they were wearing exactly the same clothes, staying at exactly the same spots, and striking (almost) exactly the same poses.

The only exception was Alice – now as I am writing, I am wondering if Alice was as supportive as her parents by striking the same poses for me as she did nine months ago.

Alice, were you?